In general, going through everyday life and experiencing its ups and downs is kinda settling in now. Work brings joy, sometimes it brings total misery. Joy because some students really do cheer me up and they are a joy to teach, encourage and inspire. However, a handful would bring misery, though its because of very understandable circumstances, it's still a challenge and difficulty to handle.
I am extremely thankful for my workplace, my colleagues and my bosses. I feel that I am really very blessed and favored in my workplace. Thank God for all that He has done, and placing me in such a wonderful environment. Though there are times when I wished things were done in a different way, but I suppose it's for the best for everyone.
I am extremely grateful to my Cellgroup's constant support and encouragement. I'm not the most patient guy around and I can be quite demanding at times, but their love for me and constant encouragements really keeps me going on. Many of them has played a huge role in my life, in my transformation, and they are they reason why E506 exists.
I am far from perfection, laden with fears and insecurities. I feel ashamed to even feel that way and sometimes I just find myself feeding my mind the wrong emotions and thoughts. However friends around me have been supportive and understanding; sometimes much to my surprise.
There are many things I could have done better, could have thought more positively and could have been a little more secure in myself and not think too much, or be hyper-sensitive. Sometimes I really wonder why do I even feel and think that way. I suppose this is a mountain, a lion or a bear for me to overcome, for me to slay and for me to have victory over.
There are days when I feel I have gained a foothold in the mountain. But there are also times when I feel overwhelmed by the sheer size of the mountain.
Sometimes I just wish things were easier and I have someone who I could trust, depend and share with, just someone who's there for me and with me. But I suppose that's not the way to go as I should be trusting, depending and leaning on God.. Learning and always putting Him first in my life and allowing Him to shape my character.
I suppose the lesson learned here is that my identity is built in Christ, not on another person. And till the day I learn to build my identity in Christ.. I'll probably struggle repeatedly.
It's not just about knowing that I am a Child of God. But maybe the very reason and purpose of my existence? I feel like I am still waiting to enter the promised land, the place where it is flowing with milk and honey, where everyday is a joy and fulfilling.
I feel I am wrestling, struggling and also wandering; and wondering.
Today for CG, I was reminded. Why do I do what I want to do? Is it for personal glory or is it for the glory of God? May my heart be purified and may my desires be cleansed. It's not about setting out to be the biggest, greatest and strongest.. But being one who makes a difference in someone else's life. One who brings God into a godless equation and one who puts others before himself.
Sometimes its difficult, it hurts and it may not be worth it. But I'd want to be there, one that readily accepts, understands and being physically present.
I want to serve, to make a difference in someone's life.
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