this verse kept appearing when i read the bible today.

what good is a man when he loses his soul but gains the world. once in the bible, once in the book that i'm reading.

another verse that kept appearing in my mind is that when we goto heaven, God says he never knows us. even though we did great things in Jesus name, He never knew us.

perhaps i managed to be where i am today was because of yesterday. i was hungry for God, His presence, His power, His word and His anionting. yet, when i achieved something in the Kingdom of God, i thought that i'm "top" and "good enough"

thus, i lost the hunger for His word and the hunger to know Him.

i picked myself up, or God carried me, time and time again. i fell, but i never gave up. but why this time, when i fall, i would drag a little before allowing God to pick me up again. why am i "seemingly" testing His faithfulness in me, knowing that He would always be here for me.

why couldn't i just instantly allow God to carry me through the valley and trust in His word that even through the valleys, I DO NOT FEAR!

why am i hesitating, wondering if God accepted my apology, or why am i just allowing myself to fall WITHOUT A SINGLE FIGHT!?

where's that old darn joel that i used to know? the one that was hungry for His word. the one that was hungry for His presence. the one that simply wanted more of Him. the one that did his quiet time no matter how late it is. the one that didn't think highly of himself. the one that stood so darn strong on the word of God. that one that wouldn't pity himself.

thank God for making me realize i lost the old joel, and i need the old joel back. most of all, i need God more then i need anything else. God comes first, the others would come nicely. i wouldn't want the day to come when God forces His way on mine.

this is the day where i make my decision, again. friday, 1,11am, 28 january 2005. to restore back to the place of restoration, to whom God intended me to be; Genesis 1:1.

no excuses, no "theological" sound excuses, no whatsoever.

its gonna be only - am i right, or wrong.